3 Ways You Abandon Yourself
And the 12 ways to fix it.
Self-abandonment is a coping mechanism for trauma, stress and challenges.
These are the 3 ways you self-abandon:
1. Thinking others know it all
Why?
You don’t trust yourself.
As the youngest in my family, I often received unsolicited advice.
My opinions were shot down and decisions invalidated.
Any time my choices resulted in a mistake, I’d get an, “ Why didn’t you ask for advice?”
With time I learnt I didn’t know better for myself, and without advice, I’d make mistakes.
I was conditioned to believe others knew better about my own problems than I did.
Many of us have experienced a variation of the above scenario.
Here’s how you can fix it:
- Don’t share what you don’t want an opinion on. You don’t get unsolicited advice when tight-lipped.
- Process the emotional pain that comes from mistakes. Learning from the pain builds resilience. You’ll trust yourself more to handle adversity.
- Self-soothe during tough times. You deserve it as much as the friends you comfort.
- Don’t ruminate; focus on lessons learnt, feedback and taking positive action in the present moment.
2. Fear of abandonment.
I developed self-criticism and self-judgement as a coping mechanism for excessive childhood comparison and societal expectations.
Because I feared being rejected and abandoned, I’d criticize myself for not measuring up.
The higher the standards, the more the fear of abandonment crippled me.
I knew I’d never reach these high standards. I was trapped in a vicious cycle that chipped away at my self-esteem.
If you’re experiencing something similar,
Here’s how to fix it:
- Change your perception by looking for evidence to confirm your biased thoughts. You’ll be surprised to find none.
- Accept your journey and block people you compare yourself with. Out of sight, out of mind. Zero comparison, problem solved.
- Face your vulnerable self courageously and accept you’re more flawed than you believe and that’s ok.
- Embrace meditation, it’ll help you be mindful of triggers, understand their root cause and heal from that level.
3. Suppressing emotions
As a child, when dealing with big emotions, I’d run to suppression.
Opening up was painful and uncomfortable, so I’d act cool and unaffected.
Years of not acknowledging and processing these emotions led to irritability, frustration, burn-out, reactiveness and being sensitive.
People started referring to me as a hot-tempered girl. I knew I wasn’t.
If this sounds like you,
Here’s what you can fix it:
- Hold a grieving ceremony to process and release pent-up emotions. Cry till you feel better and lighter.
- Build your custom system for managing and processing emotions. Part of can include grieving and journaling.
- Drop all denial, distractions and avoidance tactics, go through the pain and face your suppressed emotions head-on. There’s no other way.
- Stop judging your emotions. Understood they are temporary visitors here to help you understand yourself, if you let them.
When you stop taking care of something or someone, you abandon it.
You stop paying attention, pouring your energy and time into it.
This is what happens when you abandon yourselves.
It’s strange to expect others to hold you in high esteem; when you’ve stopped pouring energy, time and attention into yourself.
Stop abandoning yourself.
Adjust your expectations and be there for yourself as much as you are for others.
Then sit back and watch your life change for the better.
Mine did!
